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Saturday, 01 August 2009

Tell Me 'Bout The Good Old Days...

I was just laying back listening to my ipod when a song popped on that I hadn't heard in awhile. I suddenly had a memory of when my grandfather and I used to hike and he'd tell me about when he was growing up on his family farm with his siblings. Sometimes I miss him so much it just takes my breath away.....
Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days
Sometimes it feels like this world's gone crazy
And Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong
Didn't seem so hazy
Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other, come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray
Did daddies really never go away?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days
Grandpa, everything is changing fast
We call it progress, but I just don't know
And Grandpa, let's wander back into the past
And paint me the picture of long ago
Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other, come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray
Did daddies really never go away?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days
Oh, Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days
Who Blinks First....

I've suddenly been thrown into contemplation for the past 5 days. 'S' was set to move in this weekend and even though we were scrambling like crazy to get everything done in preparation, and I was stressed to the max because of everything left to do, I was excited as well. However, I got a text from 'S' on Monday morning that more or less said that he's decided that he just doesn't feel ready to move back because he feels that now would be a bad time to begin our marriage anew with all of the external stressors. Now that was what he meant -- what I actually got for a text went something like, "the reason why I was physically ill the day before and didn't come over was that the thought of moving in and living with you (me) made me (him) sick with stress".
My gut reaction to this wasn't very pretty cause it involved me wanting to hurl my phone through my office window, but I managed to control myself, which I'm sure both the phone and window appreciated, and gently replied back asking him to explain what he meant.
After several back and forths we decided to drop it for the moment since we were both at work, but that it was definite that he wasn't going to move back. Now I feel like we just took a half a dozen steps back and are even worse off than when he moved out and we were going to therapy. Because then he felt that our relationship was hopeless but I still wanted to work things out. Now, he's made it apparent that he's not ready to be in a marriage and to be quite honest I'm REALLY tired of him constantly pulling the rug out from under me.
He was over the next day and was all lovey dovey with me and I couldn't stand for him to touch me, let alone for me to look at him. We had a long conversation (which of course meant me talking and all but beating him with a stick to get some sort of response) and I told him that I was getting very run down from his back and forth and being left to react based on his whims, and that right now I didn't even like him very much let alone want to be in a marriage myself. To me he has become an unreliable partner cause as soon as things get tough or stressful or require work it feels like he just buckles and runs. So even if we work things out what's to keep him from leaving the next time things get rough and it's almost for sure that sometime down the road something is going to stress us both out, so now my fear is will he leave again?
In his defense I don't think 'S' enjoys doing this to me. I think he's very confused as to what he wants long term. He has struggled with low self esteem for several years now and feels very lost. I'm not quite sure how to help him with this since I've always gotten my self worth from myself and the goals I accomplish. Whereas he has almost no goals and even less projects or things he participates in. He's also afraid I think of moving in and then things not working out with us and then having to start all over again, which it took a lot for him to move out the first time.
However, my issue is how long do I wait? How long do I put my life and plans on hold and remain faithful to someone who does not give me the same respect and curtsey in return? I know some women have casual on-again, off-again relationships with boyfriends and even husbands and maybe that works for them. I'm sure 'S' would just prefer that I just let things "be" with no expectations of him or our relationship. But I'm not. I'm a planner and I have goals and dreams that I want to do and accomplish before my short time on this Earth is through and they won't get done when I'm just spinning my wheels in a relationship that shows no signs of getting any traction.
So here we sit.....
Me desperately wanting to salvage what is left of our relationship and wondering if he wants to salvage it as bad as I do? Or are we just dragging out something that has really died long ago and just haven't come to that realization? I just don't know. But I doubt we will be in this stalemate very long, eventually one of us will have to make some decision. After all, even no decision is ultimately a decision in itself.
So now the question is, who blinks first....?

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

So Close, Yet So Far...

I've worked in sales now for about 5 years, first for RHD in yellow pages advertising, then left there to go work for a start up. Last year the "Frog" company was purchased by another company which I can't actually name in a blog because I signed an agreement saying I wouldn't. I'm not joking.
After the purchase I now I work for the "Fish" company and am once again in sales. I've been working a VERY large deal now for about 6 months and it was very close to closing. REALLY close.....like 2 weeks close. So after 6 months, dozens of phone calls, and even more emails, 2 engineers actually going onsite and installing it, this baby was finally going to close and I was going to get my commisison. Which for those wondering would have been approx. 2K.
Today I got an email from the engineer that has been working with the client that the unit is being sent back because we're missing a few features that the client is looking for and the product manager isn't going to be able to have them anytime in the near future.
So bye bye...farewell...adiós...money. I miss you already!

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Garden Harvest 2...

I went by my garden the other day and realized that my onions and potatos were ready to be harvested. The tomatoes are also starting to come in but of course I don't eat tomatoes so I'm still trying to decide what I'm going to do with them.

Potato apple anyone?

That's a big white potato! Go me the novice gardner!!

Monday, 13 July 2009

Menu Planning...

This weekend was my first attempt at menu planning. I figured I would start small and since 'S' hasn't moved back yet and so one meal has at least 1 or 2 leftovers as well. The way I'm doing the meal planning is based on what is for sale for the week plus whatever coupons I may have. I'll then combine this with items I may already have in the house. The theory being that even thought I'm buying more than I need some weeks, I'll use them in upcoming weeks for other meals and since I bought them on sale I'll be ahead. I thought about listing it all out what I got but I thought a photo would be more impressive. I got all of the food below for $32.96. (The milk is 1/3 used cause I was cooking & didn't think to take the photo until after) The most expensive item I purchased was Ham Salad ($6.65) from the deli at Weis for my lunches. It was the only item not on sale. If you remove that item (it's on the far left in front of the brownies) the total for the remaining items is $26.31

Now in order to determine if I was getting a good deal or not, I started a database. Some people can remember what the prices are for items but I have almost no memory for numbers. So I wrote out a list of all of the normal items we buy and then went to the 4 grocery stores (Walmart, Giant, Weis, Shurfine) in the area and wrote down the prices for each item or price per pound. That way when there is a sale on that item or something comparable, I'll know if it's a good deal or not. This is not a light undertaking to do in just 2 weeks. Just to give you an idea time wise -- I've invested about 8-10 hours total in this endeavor. My hope is that it will pay off in the long run. I won't do this for every trip but here's the savings per item by comparing the amount I paid to the lowest price between all 4 stores.
Betty Crocker Brownies - $0.49 per item x2 =$0.98
Hellvagood Sour Cream - $0.37
Turkey Hill Ice Cream - $0.50
Eggo Waffles - $0.10 per item x2 = $.20
Milk - $0.00 Savings (All 4 stores have the same price for store brand milk)
HillshireFarm Beef Sausage - $3.99 (was buy one get one free)
String Cheese - $0.40
Chuck Roast - $4.61 (was buy one get one free)
Total Savings = $11.05
So not a ton of savings but once again, this was on a small scale and I haven't been getting the paper for about 6 months now so didn't have any coupons stocked up. And for all those Walmart haters out there (although I'm not one of them) all the items were purchased at the local chain grocery stores. Also, please note that no coupons were harmed during this shopping trip.